Moustache (A-Z Story Game)
by ribbons4
Summary: It's Sawara's birthday, and Kyoko wants to thank the man who gave her her first chance into LME. Sawara reminisces about his bygone years at LME. (Oneshot entry "M" for the SkipBeat! A-Z Story Game)


SkipBeat! And all related characters are property of Yoshiki Nakamura. Johnny, however, is all mine.

Prompt (and story summary :D!) by MissFaerieKaiti.

* * *

**Moustache**

It was the evening of March 9th, and another successful episode of Yappa Kimagure Rock had finished recording. Oddly, Kyouko wasn't at the after-episode meeting with the producer – not that he missed her presence – but the Bridge Rock boys did. After a half-hour of fruitless searching, they came across Kyouko in their prep-lounge. She sat in a corner with a notebook in her lap counting on her fingers, writing something down, muttering, and repeating the process in a trance. Yuusei leaned over, waving his hat in front of her face, "Earth-to-Kyouko-chan. Come in, Kyouko-chan!" to no avail.

Shinichi was a bit more direct in his attempt (stealing her pen), yielding a more direct response, "Aiii! Shinichi-nii-san! Please give that back! I need it!"

"What're'ya up to, Kyouko-chan?" Yuusei asked, "Keeping tally of all the hearts you've broken since appearing in the Dark Moon promotion?" He threw a pointed smirk at his leader, now seated on the other side of Kyouko.

"Ehhhh? Why would I be doing that, Yuusei-nii-san? If there were any hearts broken, it's not like **I** was the one breaking them. It was Emiko, and the magic of make up!" She replied, the signs of an imminent and on-time departure to La-La Land were present.

"Well, you were really pretty in the interview," Yuusei explained, grounding her flight, with fervent affirmation from of his 'brothers', "I wouldn't be surprised if you snatched any number of heart's that night. Who's Emiko, Kyouko-chan?"

"She's my public-party-ojousama persona," Kyouko smiled wistfully, making another attempt at lift-off: destination La-La Land.

"So, what's in the notebook, Kyouko-chan?" Hikaru called, grounding her once again.

"Oh, I'm planning on making flavoured dango for Sawara-san's birthday tomorrow. I've been calculating how much flavouring to pick up for so many dango." She smiled.

"Flavoured dango? Are you sure he'll like them, Kyouko-chan? He doesn't seem the type –" Hikaru continued having a hard time focusing on the conversation, flustered by her smile.

"Oh yes! I'm very sure. His favourite is melon flavoured, but he also likes many other kinds. Strawberry, black sesame, ..." Kyouko trailed off, ticking the names of flavours off on her fingers, coming back again to her first hand. Too engrossed in listing flavours, she didn't notice the awkward silence that had fallen over the others.

"How do you know his favourite treats, Kyouko-chan?" Shinichi asked, backed up by the quizzical faces of his 'brothers' nearby.

"I did some research when I entered LME..." Kyouko dodged the question looking at the time on her cell phone, "Oh, shoot! I've got to run if I'm going to make it to the store that has some of these ingredients before it closes. I'm sorry I can't come with you all, maybe next time?" She sweetly added while packing up her bag, bowing, and jumping through the door in a blur.

"Research...?" Yuusei and Shinichi turned to ask each other while Hikaru was left staring dazedly at the place Kyouko had been sitting just seconds before.

* * *

The next morning Kyouko entered the LoveME room practically bounding from foot to foot, a tower of 6 40x40x10cm boxes clutched close and safe.

"Good morning, Mouko-san, Chiori-san!" She chirped, setting her precious cargo onto the table and bowing. "Will you come with me to deliver these to Sawara-san?" she asked while changing into her matching pink monstrosity.

"What's in the boxes, Kyouko-sempai?" Chiori asked while Kanae attempted to, once again, shove herself out of Kyouko's death grip.

"They're dango for the talent department for Sawara-san's birthday. It's today!" She replied from the floor, arms still around Kanae's waist.

"Why would you give him dango for his birthday, Kyouko?" Kanae asked, still shoving against her friend's forehead, making her way to the table and slowly dragging Kyouko along._ 'It's so hard to move with this dead-weight... Mou! I don't want to be there when the boxes are opened. Knowing her, these things are going to be delicious. I won't be able to stop!'_ She stopped pushing Kyouko away, hands twisting in her hair, back-and-forth as she debated whether it was worth avoiding the calorie-bombs, or to pay her respects to her boss.

"Last year... I missed his birthday because of all of the hubbub with joining LME and the rocky start of LoveME," Kyouko continued from the floor, looking up at Kanae with her doe-eyes, "And I couldn't give him a gift. He's done so much for me! For us!" She released Kanae, and started sinking lower into the floor she was staring at, playing an unknown guilt card on her friends. "I just wanted to do something nice in return for him..."

"Yeah, he tries to shield us from the worst of the president's crazy plans..." Kanae gave in, "I'll come with you." Chiori followed in suit.

* * *

They entered the talent office single file, each with two boxes of dango in hand stopping in front of Sawara's desk. In unison, they turned, bowed, and called "Happy birthday, Sawara-san!"

"I didn't get to celebrate last year, but, this year I wanted to thank you for all that you have done for me, and for us in the LoveME department!" Kyouko nearly shouted, bowing again, offering her boxes.

"We wish you good health for the coming year," Kanae continued, offering her boxes.

"Thank you for taking care of us, please watch out for us in the future," Chiori finished, offering the last boxes.

Sawara sat in awe of the display before him, too shocked to show any emotion. Later, people would claim he was moved to tears, but the tears were only for the amount of pink assaulting his retinas. From his trance, he noticed his office staff slowly dissolving into the background, out into the hallway, under desks. All in all, it looked like a 'Level 3 LoveME' evasive formation. This was **not** a drill.

"H... H- how? How did you know...?" Sawara ventured.

"Your birthday?" Kyouko finished for him with a smile before replying, "Simple, I did some research before I joined LME!"

A feeling of safety, he let out a sigh of contentment._ 'No way she'd still be here this late...'_  
"Sawara Takenori: Born the 10th of March; age, 41 years; blood type, AB..."

_Those eyes will haunt me to the day I die. I can't believe she cycled along side a cheetah cab for so long...'_ Sawara sighed,_ '_"Well, thank you very much, Mogami-kun. May I open the boxes here?"

"Of course!" She shouted, "There should be enough to share with the rest of the office, too."

Sawara's, eyes and smile widened with the opening of each new box. _'This is so kind of her. There's even melon dango. Did she make these all herself?'_

"I love dango, Mogami-san! How did you..." His smile faded, and he repressed a shudder.

Kyouko, staring intently at the floor tiles and trying to buff out a scuff mumbled "Research..." as Sawara simultaneously came to the same conclusion: "Research. I see..."

Sensing the swiftly disintegrating atmosphere Kanae jumped into the conversation with the first thing that came to mind, "How long have you been the talent department head, Sawara-san?"

Looking directly at Kanae, face and voice returning to a controlled neutral, grabbing a melon dango with a provided skewer, he responded, "15 years, but I've been working for LME for over half my life now. I started at 21 as a fresh college graduate."

Kanae continued to keep the conversation afloat, employing her acting skills to keep interest in her voice, "Wow, head of department at such a young age! That's amazing!" Sawara nods appreciatively and takes another dango, "What were you doing the 7 years before that?" She elbowed Kyouko in the ribs giving her a sharp glare with one eyebrow raised as if to say_ 'Mou, Kyouko, you're the one who drug us here, why am I salvaging the conversation!?'_

"Oh, you know, a bit of this, a bit of that. General paperwork, drawing up contracts, writing letters, making phone calls..." He petered out, eyes glazing over. Chiori slowly tilted her head and her eyes narrowed in recognition of 'the look'. 'The look' she had seen numerous times in her LoveME sempais as they got lost in the memory of one of their more... unique LoveME tasks coming directly from the president. Her observations were proved true after a few awkward 'tick-tocks' of the office clock on the wall. Moaning gently, Sawara slowly pressed the base of his palms onto his eyes – as if trying to block the view of his present could block the visions of his past from appearing before his mind's eye.

After a few heartbeats he slowly curled over until the backs of his hands rested on the edge of his desk – submitting himself in defeat – as the memories started to flow. Their boss, it was clear, was having a President-induced-flashback of the worst sort. The girls looked between themselves with concern, silently arguing if they should rouse him from his revery – who knew if he was a flailer or not? Flailing was a not unknown symptom of President-induced-flashbacks. Then the muttering started, and they froze in place, knowing it was too late: Kanae, eyes wide and incredulous, hand on her hip, obviously in favour of giving their boss a good shake; Kyouko in near tears of pity at the site before her; Chiori stuck with pensively furrowed eyebrows, the one holding back. They held their breath, watching for signs of twitching.

Even wearily stalking closer, all that could be heard from Sawara through the mumbled ranting was a disjoint collection of steadily more disconcerting words, "... kilts … squadron …Bir...ting Ta..tulas... LIVE?! ... tarantula ..."

* * *

After 4 years of working as a lowly office drudge in the talent section, Sawara had learned that being called into the big boss's office was something to be wary about. The day in question was no exception. Sawara sat in his chair across from the president, trying with all his might to not let the bagpipes, or the situation, get to him. He was supposed to be working **with** actors, not **be** one, for goodnesssake!_ 'Wasn't this supposed to be a publicity stunt using our famous talents? How did I, a paper pusher, get roped into this mess?!'_ He took another deep breath and waited for his boss to finish his drag of the rather pungent cigar.  
"Sawara-kun, good to see you! I was in a bit of a bind, I'm glad you're here to help." Lory said with a malicious smile. Sawara shivered.

"Likewise, sir. How can I be of service?" He offered with more confidence than he felt.

The president grinned. "You know, Sawara-kun, that's a wonderful way of putting it: Service. Yes, I need to put you into service... leading your troop in a mock battle of unprecedented proportions!" Lory cried, throwing his arms wide and disrupting the tartan hat on his head.

"Troops, sir?"

Lory responded by spinning and waving his hand to the men in the office, all in some form of blue tartan kilts (some with bagpipes, some with various forms of weapons or drums or flags) his exaggerated gestures causing his kilt to flit back and forth dangerously high. Sawara hoped beyond hope that his boss would calm down before he became privy to if his boss was wearing his kilt traditionally. "You've been assigned to the Blue Army. You can choose to lead either the pipers or a special squadron on the field. Choose quick, sonny, we've got to get you fitted for your kilt, and that depends on which troops you'll be leading."

_'Leading? Me? What is happening here...?'_ He pinched himself. _'Definitely not a nightmare...' _Thinking of the headache he'd already got from the bagpipes – imagining how bad it would get spending from now until whenever Lory would get tired of playing highlander with the bagpipes – Sawara chose the 'special squadron'. This would prove to be a fatal mistake, but Sawara at least learned that day that nothing the president deemed 'special' was ever, **ever** to be trusted.

"Wonderful! We'll get you into costume and then you can get friendly with the tarantulas!" Lory almost squealed in delight._ 'Fell right into the trap, just like I thought he would,'_ he thought with a smirk.

"Ta... taran... tarantu..." Sawara stuttered.

"Bird-eating tarantulas, naturally! Not that they usually eat birds, though, usually just frogs and giant cockroaches. Rest assured – no, don't give me that look – they aren't dangerous. They rarely bite and even more rarely envenom people. You'll get along swimmingly, I'm sure!"

"L-l-live... ta-ta-ran-tula...?" Sawara stuttered as form of confirmation, still a bit behind in processing is current predicament.

"But of course!" Lory replied, sliding the ashen faced Sawara on his unmoving feet towards the dressing room.

"LIVE?!" Sawara screamed in terror, turning to face Lory, clawing at the door frame with pleading eyes.

"Another for the Tarantula Corps!" Lory cried into the room grinning mischievously, slamming the door._ 'Promotions are very important, can't get ahead of ourselves... The talent department is more of a circus than all the other departments. I need someone strong there.'_ Lory plotted, leaning on the closed door of the changing rooms._ 'This one's got potential, just like Ishikawa said. Lot's of fight in him. He could be going to be going places. Let's see how he keeps his cool under pressure, just to make sure...'_

* * *

Kanae glanced at Chiori and Kyouko out of the corner of her eye with a concerned look and mouthed 'tarantulas?' The girls' faces fell. _'What could the president have had Sawara-san doing?!_' they thought together._ 'Office work... right...'_ Kanae thought, _'LoveME work is supposed to be office work as well. If I ever have to see a tarantula with LoveME, so help me, heads will roll. After I thoroughly squish it.'_

The office workers that had initially dispersed at the sight of electric pink started drawing closer. Some could be seen coming up from the floor under their desks, others from the "LoveMe'o'clock coffee break club" start filing in from the hall, coffees in hand. Noticing the department head's state, they start to cluster around his desk and the LoveME girls. Some picking a few dango from the boxes.

The ranting became more animated, "Hissing ... put it on a leash?! … why … chose the bagpipes..." and then subsided into a continuously softer noise that sounded suspiciously like the mewling of a litter of distressed kittens.

* * *

"Alright, Sawara, you have until the battle tomorrow afternoon to get to know, and train, Johnny to attack people in red!" Lory was practically bouncing as he made his way to the tarantula's tank behind the recently drawn curtain.

"Johnny, Sir?" Lory frowned at the hesitation in Sawara's voice.

"Johnny, your new partner in the Blue Army's Tarantula Corps. He's the black one here." Lory pointed to a rather ominous looking spider. The largest of all the tanks, and a nice deep chocolate brown.

"Oh, yes, sir. He looks... so friendly," Sawara offered, hoping it would be enough and he could run back to the safety of the office several floors below.

Pleased with the reply, Lory scooped 'Johnny' from the tank with no problems and plopped the furry arachnid in Sawara's less than eager hands. Sawara stood in an apparent staring contest with the critter for some time. Very slowly, the sound began, causing what little colour left in Sawara's face to retreat. Johnny won the contest as Sawara looked up, "Sir, are tarantula's like cats?"

"Hmmmm? In what respect would a spider be like a cat, Sawara-kun?"

"Can't... can't you hear it, sir?" Sarwara asked, trying to keep calm, tears in the corners of his eyes. He hoped beyond hope that spiders, unlike dogs, couldn't smell fear. _'Perhaps the stress of the situation is making me hear things. Just take a few deep breaths, think of your lovely wife, and what we'll go and do on our next vacation. Far, far, **far **from here...' _He sighed in contentment and slowly became aware of his surroundings once again. The noise hadn't stopped. If anything, it was louder the spider looked angrier than before.

"Sir... Do they hiss when angry, like cats?" Sawara asked, hoping a clearer question would yield the information he desired.

"Well... yes. Yes they do," Lory replied, shrugging a little.

"It's angry at me? What did I do wrong? How do I make it stop this infernal hissing?!" Sawara was really starting to panic.

"I- … Truthfully, I was hoping that he'd calm down once he got used to you..." Sawara stared incredulously at his boss, but not for long. He didn't trust the spider sitting in his hands one bit.

"You wouldn't happen to be scared of spiders, are you Sawara-kun?" Lory realized he forgot to research this small titbit, and felt slightly guilty.

"I wasn't until two minutes ago..." Sawara continued to stare at the spider rearing ever higher onto it's back legs.

Lory pursed his lips and started fiddling with his sporran. "I've never had a problem with Johnny getting along with strangers in the past... Maybe you'll need to put him on his leash. We can't have him springing on your own troops on accident, now can we?" He tossed Sawara a... tarantula harness. And leash. It was very obviously... a tarantula harness and leash. _'Where does one find a harness for something with eight legs,_' Sawara wondered, pausing a moment longer as his overworked brain caught up, _'He wants **me** to put **it** on a leash?! Wait, did he say'_

"Spring? THEY SPRING ONTO PEOPLE?" Sawara roared as Johnny demonstrated, leaving Lory no need to answer. The spider leapt onto the desk several meters away and promptly disappeared from view.

* * *

Several hours later, still searching for 'his' runaway spider, Sawara thought, not for the first time, and certainly not for the last,_ 'Why didn't I just chose the bagpipes? How bad could the bagpipes have been?'_ He scratched at his arms, covered in tarantula hairs.

* * *

Chiori's eyes went wide and whispered to her companions, "What, just what in the world, could make bagpipes look like a good option?" The question was asked in several other variations in similarly hushed voices elsewhere in the crowd.

Brows knit together staring with what seemed like concern, but was actually concentration on Sawara, Kyouko nibbled her lip. Replying just as softly, "What could they have needed to put on leashes, the tarantulas?" She stared at her boss in wonder as more kittens appeared in the basket on his desk. "More importantly, did you know he could imitate a basket of depressed kittens like this?" _'It's hard to look at him,'_ Kyouko thought,_ 'but Oton told me I need to observe my surroundings so I can reproduce anything. First I'll master Tsuruga-san's pleading puppies look, and then I'll move on to Sawara-san's kittens of despair!'_ She quickly glanced at Kanae, who stood still as a statue, confusion written openly on her face. _'**Can** you put a tarantula on a leash?'_ Kanae kept asking herself in horror.

The girls' discussion was cut short as the ranting became frenzied, accompanied by a light swaying in his seat, "Of **course** there's a breeze... They don't perch... No, Johnny, no! … Not the budgies!" He looked up staring into the distance at some calamity that only he could see.

* * *

The day of the 'battle' was upon them. Sawara had spent 4 hours the previous day tracking down his spider, and another 2 getting it into the specially made harness. _'I wasted how many years at university to be... harnessing a spider. This is what I do for a living. I need a raise... And a drink...'_ He thought bitterly as he brought all 5 of the unlucky members of the Blue Army's special Tarantula Corps into 'formation' in the great entryway of the LME building. _'This better garner the publicity he thinks it will'_ Sawara thought, looking around at the Blue Army's troops surrounding him._ 'Is that Hozu-san? Well, if he's on our side, I guess I don't have to worry about being put on courtyard duty this summer. He can fight like a lion,' _and he finally smiled and relaxed a bit. The president had convinced everyone that was participating to actually try and take the battle seriously by assigning courtyard clean up duty to the group that lost. No one knew what that was, but it couldn't be good. The stakes were high.

All troops were nearly in place when the breeze picked up. _'You have to be joking. We're INDOORS. How can there be a breeze rising?' _The biggest stars of LME, and thus Japan, were all trying to keep their kilts in place. Flashes of blinding light started coming from all around._ 'Of **course** there's a breeze, this is a publicity stunt. Nothing will sell like finding out what's under your favourite stars' kilts... ingenious!'_

Feeling slightly less resentful of his boss, Sawara readied the Tarantula Corps with what is perhaps the worst pep talk in history: "Okay, men. Just keep your goggles on, don't loose the spiders, don't cry if they hiss, and don't let them get squished and we'll all keep our jobs at the end of the day." He nodded to his fellow paper-pusher-turned-warriors and they nodded in turn, although less certain.

The president came riding past, doing one last check over his troops before the 'battle' began, as his wife checked her Red Army on the other side. _'That's right, just keep riding. We're aaaaall set here in the Tara- crap. KEEP RIDING!'_

"Sawara-kun," Lory barked, "why are the tarantulas not perched on your shoulders as I **clearly** explained they should be yesterday?"

"With all due respect, sir, they just don't perch. Once set on our shoulders they spray us with those hairs and then launch themselves as far as the leash allows..." Sawara replied staring at the _'Wait, are those **golden **horseshoes...?'_

"Tsk, tsk! You -" Lory pointed at each member of the Tarantula Corps in turn, "are supposed to be my elite tarantula trainers -"

"Sir, can't you hear them hissing already?!" Sawara interrupted, looking more than a little upset - near tears, really.

"You _will_ have them perched and at attention before entering battle, and you _will_ bring glory to the Blue Army!" Lory finished and galloped away to the impartial judges' area to begin the battle. _'But what do tarantulas have to do with a highland theme? The ladies have English knights. Why can't we be fully clothed?' _And with that thought, Sawara 'readied' his troops.

Sawara cursed under his breath and looked at his 'troop.' He muttered to the men behind him with little conviction, "We'd better get the spiders where he can see them. It looks like he's staring at us. Yes, he most definitely is. Based on that gesture, we'd better get them up. Kingawa, get that spider on your shoulder! Quick now! I know it's hissing, but if it bites you, you can go straight to the med-tents, no questions asked. There's a good –!"

From across the battlefield, Lory watched Sawara intently, 'Yes, look at him trying to execute the impossible task to perfection. He's definitely got potential. He questions my authority, yet respects it; takes my orders, yet tries to keep his subordinates safe. Just like a good military officer, that's what I want in my management. I'll keep my eye on him for sure. Plus that flustered face of despair, really, it's just too much...' Lory chuckled to himself stroking his moustache suddenly struck by brilliance.

And in that instant 'the great highland battle of LME' began, not to the voice of Takarada Lory, but of Sawara Takenori: "No, Johnny, NO!"

No one else would recall what actually happened, but the moment would be burned into Sawara's mind until his dying day. It all started with one tarantula leaping, in slow motion, onto Hozu Shuuhei's face. The resulting flailing – until Sawara could arrive to retrieve Johnny – took out a large amount of the Blue Army before the front lines could even clash. Feathers, shields, prop weapons, shoes and a single kilt all went flying into the air. The surrounding fan girls heard the word 'tarantula' and started screaming in terror, the other half still screaming for their favourite stars. The screaming doubled as soon as they saw the kilt fly. Add in the many pouches of fake blood the actors were carrying, and the the result was almost as chaotic as a real battlefield. A battlefield with background music of bagpipes.

* * *

All three of the LoveMe girls' faces contorted with sympathy of the deep wells of torture reflected in his eyes, shoulders pinching as they instinctively cowered from the undoubtedly disastrous event they couldn't see.

Minutes ticked by, and all that could be heard was an awkward silence as the crowd inspected their boss for signs of life. Matsushima of the acting department eventually broke the silence, poking his head around the corner, manilla file in hand, "What's with all the commotion in here? Looks like you guys are throwing a smashing party!"

Kyouko looked up swiftly with a smile, and reported in a chipper tone, "It's Sawara-san's birthday party! He was just getting ready to tell us what he used to do here at LME before he was the talent section head!"

Matsushima looked over at the despondent Sawara for the first time, and burst into laugher. The crowd, evidentially not stunned enough by their boss's recent outburst, became yet more still under the barking laughter. "Well, that'd explain Sawara's state right now," Matsushima confirmed the LoveMe girls worst thoughts while wiping a tear from the corner of his eye, "Could you make anything out from him?"

Engrossed with the floor, Kyouko quietly supplied, in perfect mimicry of distress and despair heard just minutes before, "Tarantulas – kilts – squadron – hissing – chose the bagpipes – of **course** there's a breeze..., "

Much to the relief of the now shivering crowd around the central desk, Matsushima cut Kyouko off with a simple, "Enough!" A single hand in the air extended towards her, trying to shield his face (already turned to the side pinched in pain). "I know exactly what he's talking about." His hand lowered and his face returned to a controlled neutral. The crowd felt he was using the word 'talking' in a very liberal sense, but let it slide as faces piqued with interest zipped between one department head and the other.

"I was also involved in that incident, but I was on the other side's forces, thankfully. I know that t-"

Sawara's head snapped up and pierced Matsushima with a glaze to give Ren's Demon Lord a good challenge. "What could you know?! You were in the** med tents**! You do not fully understand the atrocities of war! –"

Kyouko stared at Kanae with giant unseeing doe eyes, mouthing, 'War?'

" – Spiders flying everywhere, the itching, the screaming –"

Chiori cocked her head to the side and mouthed, 'The itching...?'

" – The bagpipes, the fan girls! Having to be on courtyard duty for a whole summer – the hottest summer on record! You have no idea how horrible the Highlander Battle was!" He finished, blue in the face.

"I suppose not," Matsushima conceded, "but I guess you had it harder than a lot of others. Those spiders were a lost cause to start with." He chuckled shaking his head, "You always have been one of the President's favourites, haven't you? Youngest to get promoted to department head, special treatment. You know, maybe that's the reason why he put LoveME under your discretion?"

"I suppose so," Sawara grudgingly agreed turning to stare blankly out the window._ 'Favourite, plaything, despised. It's one in the same here...'_

Mastushima gave his folder to the appropriate paper-pusher and on the way out stole a few dango from one of Kyouko's boxes. "Happy birthday, old buddy. Cheer up, it's not like you've broken your **moustache oath** this year, it can't be that bad, right?" Matsushima patted his friend's shoulder a few times and headed out towards his own office, not noticing the daggers being stared into his back.

A voice from further back in the office drifted over the din of everyone returning to their desks and work, "Moustache oath... That rings a bell. Wasn't it last year on the department head's birthday when the president got in a huge row with Sawara...?"

"Yeah, I think you're right. The president's aide even had to drag him, kicking and screaming from the office. What was it about again?" A second voice called out. Sawara began to bury his face in his hands._ 'This day isn't going to end, is it? I'm going to be stuck here, reliving it all. ALL of it. Are the girls looking at me with... pity? That doesn't bode well...'_

"The president had a medieval crier's costume on, and read from a scroll. Something about a 'penalty for improper moustache care'," the first voice went on, uncertain. _'Anything but the moustache oath, anything but that...' _Sawara began to take deep, fortifying breaths, hoping it would all blow over.

"And something about breaking 'the sacred moustache oath'," the voice continued._ 'Ahhhh... there it is. I knew it was bound to come up today, sometime...'_

"When was that, what, last February that Sawara-san showed up with half of his moustache shaved off – only time I've ever seen him with it looking different... come to think of it -" Tears in the corners of Sawara's eyes started to rise.

* * *

It was the second morning of what he later dubbed 'The Mogami Campaign'.

'It's not like things like this don't happen in the industry. The president has already had several such instances, and he was perfectly fine,' Sawara thought to himself, 'The president must have known that things like this pop up, and all that crap from the past was just testing who was strong enough to withstand the pressures of a position like mine. Of course! It all must of had a purpose!' He thumped his fist on the counter and looked determinedly at his reflection in the mirror above the sink. "Doorbells, what do they have on bagpipes," he muttered as a small smile stretched across his face. Eyes of a battle hardened entertainment-industry survivor staring back.

Halfway through shaving, close to his precious, precious moustache the most hideous sound interrupted him mid-stroke. 'Was that... fingernails on the glass? This is the second floor. There are no trees out there... How –' Turning back to the mirror with eyes wide with fear, they only got wider when he saw what was in the mirror. His moustache, his precious, important moustache, was in tatters on the left side. 'It can't be that bad. It wasn't like he was **serious** about that moustache oath' Sawara chuckled to himself, finishing cleaning up and preparing for work.

* * *

" – how long has he had it, anyway?" The second voice continued.

"As long as I've been working here, and he started before me... so at least 12 years."

Slowly, as if from another world, Sawara called out, "I've had my moustache – except for those few days – for 18 years..." Sawara trailed off, nabbed a strawberry dango out of a box, popped it into his mouth for emotional fortification, and once again began to stare blankly out the window.

* * *

"Neeeee... Sawara-kun, do you have a few minutes..." The line that would change the direction of Sawara's face was uttered innocently enough...

It was several months after Sawara had met Johnny in this exact location. Once again, Sawara sat across an old dark oaken desk in the disconcertingly normal office of the president, listening intently. "We need to work on your image." Sawara attempted to keep his face neutral and engaged, but failed to fully keep the confusion out of his eyes. "When you represent LME you need to radiate a certain aura. One of imposition, but not overbearing. Refinement, but not snobbery. It's not just the talents that represent the company! When you meet with other companies with prospective projects, you represent us just as much – if not more!" Lory could see the younger man before him now hooked on his every word. Hamming it up, he took a dramatic pause, taking time to carefully roll his cigar as he tapped the ash evenly away, brought it back to his lips, and pulled a drag, staring into the air above and to the left of Sawara, appearing deep in thought. He continued, staring straight into Sawara's eyes, "You, my good man, are in need of a moustache."

Sawara looked over at the man in disbelief.

"What happens if I don't grow one?" Sawara dared to ask._ 'Oooh... he's getting cheeky! I like that!'_

"You have two weeks to produce a sufficient moustache or you will be on courtyard duty in addition to your current tasks until you do!" The look on his face was enough to convince Lory his plan was going to be flawless – like always.

"Anything else, sir?"

"No, you may be excused." As soon as the door closed, the president took a puff of his cigar with glee in his eyes._ 'Matching moustaches! This way, if I can't make a meeting, we can dress you up and send you in my stead! Body double! BRILLIANT! I really don't want to meet with Akatoki next month... I wonder if he'll be ready by then. Hmmmmm... But I really want handlebars... I wonder if I can trick him into growing it with me?'_ Lory stroked around the corners of his mouth, imagining how perfect it would be to have handlebars.

* * *

The LoveME girls saw 'the look' once again surfacing on their boss's face._ 'What could have happened to him...? Was it really so bad?'_

"Okay, but why was the president be upset if Sawara lost his moustache?" The first voice called out once again. Sawara flinched and was lost, once again, to his memories. Kyouko was nearly in tears seeing her boss in such a state – on his birthday, no less!

* * *

_'It's a dream come true! I'm only 28 and being promoted to head of the department! Unreal!' _Sawara's thoughts were all in a jumble as he, once again, found himself across from the president at his desk. On the desk between them were the contracts that needed to be signed for Sawara's promotion to head of the talent department. Without delay, Sawara began to read and sign the documents in front of him. Nearly finished, he started to hesitate on the last page, brows constricting, the corners of his mouth falling.

'Clause xciii: Personal Grooming

Should the signee fail to maintain a 'proper moustache', they will be subject to 'appropriate punishment' – including and not limited to: courtyard duty, immediate volunteering for the next cosplay army, excessive birthday extravaganzas, etc – until a 'proper moustache' is restored.

This shall hereby be known as 'the moustache oath' '

"Sir, may I ask how 'maintaining a proper moustache' is a prerequisite for being a department head?"

"Do you want to get a promotion, or do you want to find out how they are related?" Lory raised an eyebrow as he tapped the ash from his cigar. "Well...?"

Sawara gulped, looked back down to the papers before him, and kept signing, hoping that this didn't come back to bite him later...

* * *

"I just wanted to wish him a happy birthday..." Kyouko sniffled just outside the door of the talent section, "I didn't know it would end up like that..."

Muffled cries of, "Why are there people in that cake? … How many dancers? … Why do we need a choir to sing it?" could be heard, even through the door.

"I know, Kyouko, but there was nothing we could do for him at this point. Being around him, speaking, it would all be just too much for him right now. Anything could set him off now. It's best to let the other department heads comfort him," Chiori tried to console her friend, still tugging on Kyouko's left hand, wincing at the sounds coming from behind the door.

"It's not your fault, Kyouko, you didn't get him into that state. It was whatever the president did to him..." Kanae offered dropping the girl's right hand. The sniffling subsided as all three girls started to think about the same thing.

In the centre of dark blue cloud, the LoveME girls shuffled – as fast as gelatinous blobs of misery could shuffle - down the hallway back to their lair. All three thinking about the frivolities of the president past, present, and future only adding to their blue-black vortex. As the thought of what could be in store for them at any moment, their faces slowly start contorting. Office workers along the hall start running the opposite direction - blue in the face – as three renditions of 'The Scream' oozed their way down the hall. The hate-filled muttering didn't help the situation.

"I say we just run away to Morocco. He won't find us there. We'd be safe from a repeat of whatever he did to Sawara-san," Chiori offered.

"But we owe him so much!" Kyouko grudgingly began to refute.

"Did you see how broken Sawara was?" Kanae hissed, shaking the girl by the shoulders as she punctuated the rest of her sentence, "He's a strong man, Kyouko, but did you see him bawling like a small child back there? Mark my words. That. Will. Be. Us. One. Day."

"Be that as it may, we can't just leave without paying back– "

Going against the flow of self-preservation for several minutes Tsuruga Ren and his trusty manager Yashiro had – with only mild trepidation (mostly on Yashiro's part) – successfully intercepted the shocking pink and dark blue vortex.

"Leave without paying back who, Mogami-san?" Ren interrupted, pretending that he hadn't just popped out from behind a corner causing an almighty shriek from all three girls.

"N-n-no one. It's n-n-nothing, Tsuruga-san," she replied slowly turning to face her sempai, "We were just listening to Sawara-san reminiscing about the president's antics in the past. Something about a highland battle...?" she finished with a small pout, poking her index fingers together repeatedly, staring at the floor somewhere off to his left. She, once again, quietly supplied, in perfect mimicry of distress and despair, "Tarantulas – kilts – squadron – hissing – chose the bagpipes – of **course** there's a breeze – They don't perch – No, Johnny, no! – Not the budgies!" and went quiet.  
Ren went silent, confused, then stiffened as a memory from his childhood surfaced.

* * *

"It all started with that infernal hissing, next thing I knew, someone shouted 'No, Johnny, no!' and then there were tarantulas all over me," he brought his hands to his face involuntarily, still trying to fend them off. "The itch was appalling. One even got under the kilt... after I got to the kilt off to get to the spider, the fan girls almost destroyed both armies. The trained parakeets were clawing and pecking everything that moved, so everything in the room. The breeze was blowing up the kilts making it hard to fight each other and the fan girls... The cameras were flashing, blinding us all the while..." Kuon looked up at his father's faraway expression with concern. Kuu nodded, saying mostly to himself, "I took down three budgies before they got me out of there..."

"Dad, are you okay?" He asked hesitantly.

"Yes, Kuon. Just remember, sometimes it's okay – and even best – to break character. To save your life, or those around you..." Kuu trailed off.

"But, Dad, I still don't understand how this explains why you don't like bagpipe music..." In his confusion, Kuon pouted a little.

Kuu smiled reassuringly down at his adorable little son and ruffled his hair. "How about getting some dinner, son?"

* * *

Ren shook his head slightly, trying to dislodge the memory. "Ah... I see. I've... heard of the incident. It's enough to make anyone have second thoughts about staying around this place –" He paused, taking in the faces of the LoveME girls, thinking about how nice California is at this time of year, whether or not Kyouko would like the beaches, how long it would take to pack, and then continued, "– especially considering those in your... prominent position in the president's thoughts and imaginantion." And with that, the girls turned back to each other in conference, ignoring his presence.

"See, Kyouko, even Tsuruga agrees. Greenland. I've heard it's actually quite nice there in the summer," Kanae put forward. The other two nodded slowly, weighing the option.

* * *

Later that night, in the middle of his birthday dinner with his lovely family, Sawara suddenly started.

"What's wrong, darling?" His wife asked.

"Nothing, honey," He carefully replied, "I was just reminiscing with the young'uns at work about the president's cosplay events of the past..."

His wife eyed him suspiciously and lifted a single brow, "Tarantulas. Again." It was both statement and question.

Sawara looked at the ground with an angry pout. Paling noticeably he added with a whisper, "And moustaches..."

* * *

_I got my info on Johnny here: _

nationalzoo si edu/animals/invertebrates/facts/factsheets/goliathbirdeatingtarantula cfm

_and_

_ books google __com/books?id=rIVAkA3IlHgC&pg : search for "stridulation"_

_February of Year One: Sawara was 41 years old. His birthday is March 10th. Thus, birthday of Year Two: Sawara turns 43._

* * *

_This is the first prose (non-technical/non-essay piece) I have written in ____well__ over a decade. I wasn't strong writer then, and I don't have any qualms with people telling me so now; sugar coating is for my chocolate. The prompt asked for funny, so if I at least got you to laugh then we can count this as a success, no matter the other technical failings._

_I feel the characters are rather OOC, but there's not a whole lot to go from for Sawara... Maybe it's because I let my imagination get the better of the situation? Once I learned that tarantulas hiss when angry, there really was no lowering the sails or changing course...  
_


End file.
